Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
